How is it possible?

 The last few days have defiantely been some of the hardest of my life-- my grandpa, whom is like a father to me, is terminally ill-- I feel that I now know true pain. I have been in such a whirlwind of emotions that I've hardly had time to comprehend them; jealous and happy that he is going home to see Father, sad that he is leaving me, and empty because he will take so much of him with me. God is really putting  me to the test. And I hope I am doing well. Never have I relied so heavily on God, never has Christ been at the front of my mind 24-7, but at the same time its so hard to pray because my own emotions are getting in the way. I know why pain makes me stronger now, I know why good men die, I know why He gave me eyes but faith is how I see. Now I just need to figure out why I am so afraid of the dark but I stray from the light. I truly am taking this one day at a time and letting tomorrow worry about itself. My only prayers "Take him home in peace," and "Refine me LORD through the flames." Ive been crying alot, but the only thing I keep saying is "The LORD gives and the LORD takes away, may the name of the LORD be praised" but the funny thing is, is that i promised my self that when a tragedy like this ever befallen me that those would be the first words out of my mouth. I am blessed to have Christ and such wonderful friends walking by my side as I experience the first physical death I have ever seen. I have only seen life-- never death. I will sow for myself righteousness, I will reap the fruit of Gods unfailing love, and I will break up my unploughed ground; for the time has come for me to seek God with all my heart until he showers righteousness on me.